Yesterday I was home, completely alone for the first time in over nine years. I had an appointment in the morning and when I walked in the door afterwards, I stifled my usual "Rogue-y, I'm home" call which would bring him running. And then I burst into tears.
I could almost forget that he was gone as I watched movie after movie, not accomplishing anything but just sitting on the couch. Then the phone rang - his vet calling to ask how he was doing after his trip to the hospital. I could barely choke out the news to her.
I forced myself to make a sandwich for lunch, and after setting it on the coffee table and returning to the kitchen to for a glass of water, I found myself looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't sneaking a sniff or a lick.
When it was time to pick up the kids from school, I walked into the dining room to knock on the window which was his queue to come inside. I stopped short and just stared for a few seconds, crying again.
These little bursts of reality are the hardest to deal with. I don't want this to be real. I miss our beloved dog more than I thought possible. This morning, Chris cleaned and put away his food & water bowls as well as his collar and toys. I don't know what's worse - seeing his things and knowing he won't be coming back to them, or seeing the empty space where they were.
I tried to knit Sunday evening and yesterday to distract myself, but I just couldn't. Last night, I picked up my purple Mona socks and immediately put them back down. They were too depressing - I just couldn't work on a project that wasn't making me happy prior to everything, let alone now when my spirits are so down. So I started something new, something to hopefully add just a bit of brightness to the difficult days ahead.
Skew Socks in Rainbow
I hope I can successfully knit this tricky pattern so that every time I wear them, I can think of my happy memories of Rogue.
OMG, I am so sorry for your loss!
ReplyDeleteOur dog Rusty passed back in October at the age of 5 from cronic kidney failure that he was probably born with. It was so hard for me and my hubby since he was our "child". It was the worst week ever! But all things happen for a reason, we rescued a six month old black lab from an abusive family the following week. Things will get better slowly. Thanks for sharing!
BTW, I love your socks! I followed one of your Ravelry postings to your blog. I am starting to make my first pair of socks using KNIT Freedom's video e-book doing toe up two socks at a time on magic loop. I figured I'd learn it right the first time!